Sunday, March 4, 2012

Just Checkin in...

Not too much going on today... done a few events peddling my Scentsy lately... playing with Christian alot... spending spare time on ... trying my hand at DJ'in... lots to learn still, been practicing, but not getting paid for it.  It's been fun, maybe I'll get lucky and find a paying gig spinning tunes.  Got Sesame Street running on Hulu for Christian, and he's glued to the tube.  Last time I put it on for him he learned the word "incognito" and uses it often.  He is a cutie, and I'm definitely attached to the bugger.

Been thinkin bout this for a long time, gettin it off my chest here... even if no one ever reads it, its out there... (this is the very short version) I've tried to keep the peace, not argue, although I've warned about stories I've not aggressively challenged them, my mistake. That is done.... I will not be treated badly, if you choose to be an ass you can move on.

So my son, David and his wife Kendra are having my first grandkid this month sometime. A boy named Abel.  I was not invited to the wedding and not informed of the pregnancy, I found out totally by accident about both, so it's a shame I will probably not get to meet Abel... my son has had more than an ear full of stories that have no foundation from those who seem to be intent on making me look bad so they look better.  When David was about 10, I took him to live with his father and not a day has gone by that I don't feel the guilt over letting myself get convinced that was what I "had" to do.  To this day the pain is no less than it was on the day I let him go and its daily, not once a week or once a month, even now its daily. I called as much as I could, but after a while it seemed I was doing more harm than good and I called less and was even advised I should just let him be.  Turns out that was the wrong thing to do, if only I knew then what I should have done.  I am sorry for the pain I caused David, and the stories he's heard since from my mother, and for not being there to stop them.  I'm sorry I let the ass into our lives except for the fact it brought us my youngest Eddie.  I'm sorry the ass was so jealous of David that he felt the need to convince me letting him go to his dad was best.  And maybe it was, he had a good life with him and his wife, they took up where I left off and Davids now a great guy.  Who knows what would be if I'd made a different decision.  We have to deal with what we are dealt. Maybe someday David will want to talk to me about it all... for now he chooses not to.

My daughter told me I was "being tolerated" a couple of months ago and unfriended me on facebook when I challenged one of the stories they have been told about me... all three kids seem to have a low opinion of me, which makes me sad, but these opinions are from stories of others, which they have NEVER asked me about.  I apologize I did not stand up before today and challenge the stories I knew were being told.  I suppose I thought all of the kids would know what they know and not be so easily manipulated, I was wrong.  Granted I'm not prefect and have made a bad decision here n there, but the kids were NEVER mistreated, everything I ever did raising them I thought was the right thing to do at the time.  And while some turned out not to be so right, I believe alot was right.  They are 3 great kids, all healthy, no druggies, no jailbirds, they all work hard and take care of their business.  So I musta done something right.

Not dragging out all the stories about the kids here, but would love a chance to find out what their specific issues are... and address them with them.  I've gotten to the point where I'm not taking the hurtful comments anymore even from my kids, I've taken leave from all negative people in my life, family and not.  There is absolutely no reason to "tolerate" someone.  I'm very sad and hurt that they choose to believe those stories without talking to me, but they are adults now and that is their choice to make.  I'll always be reachable.

Now I have a few Ex's my mother doesn't have the phone number to, thinking I aught to pass that info so she won't miss being besties with any of them.  Because its obviously more important to make sure they are OK than me.  Put them up and throw them parties.

 I'm done! Say what you gotta say and move on!  If you can't change it deal with it!

With a broken heart, Beth

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